Call

I woke up this morning and the first thing I wanted to do was call him. I wanted to hear his voice again. A voice I now feel I haven't heard for so long. A voice I really miss. But I can't call him. I can't contact him. Will I cope with this no contact. I'm sure I will. But in what state I'm not sure.

I've tried so hard to stop myself from thinking about him but I can't. He keeps popping into my mind. Time has still done nothing. The feeling is still as strong as before. I feel like I just want to give him a big big hug. A wish that can now never come true anymore.

Yes the past holidays I have had so much fun. But I realised all that fun doesn't beat spending a day with him instead. Even a chat on the phone with him will feel more than a fun day out. I really do miss him. Time has told me I cant live without him. But he is gone. His heart is now with someone else.  I just have to learn to live without him.

This song came up and I think is so appropriate to me right now. This song is dedicated to you baby!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jckKmsCsmio

Done

What a conincidence. Right when I deleted his contacts this morning he tried to send me a chat message. I tried to reply but because I had deleted him I had to re-add him to respond! So funny!

Had a nice chat as usual. I really enjoy our chats. So comfortable, so free. Then I requested if he could not contact me for a while. And he said ok. I will really miss the chats. But guess I have to do it. He might not feel any different not writing to me. He might not miss me at all. But I know I will really miss it. Let me see how I go. After a month he might have forgotten about me. He might be use to not writing to me and will just continue not writing. We may never communicate again. :(

After our final chat I re-deleted him again! : )

Delete

I ended up crying all night and this morning. I was suppose to head to a party last night but I was really really sick. So I had to stay at home. Home alone is worse as more spare time to cry. Still stayed in bed today. Nothing to do. But I'd rather get better so I better be good and have lots of rest.

I ended up deleting his contacts from my address book. I burst into tears when I saw his name online? Why did I cry over that? So bizzare!!! Today I realised what it was. I was so use to whenever I saw his name online in a few seconds I get a message from him. But now I am ignored. He has other things he'd rather do. He has other people he'd rather contact. And I think that is what is hurting me.

I hope deletling his contacts would be good. I wont know when he is on or not and wont see his name popping up all the time. I'll need to see what other things I need to delete!!! I'd gradually find them. Whenever I cry I will try and find the source. And will think of something to fix it! I will be ok. Just takes time!

Terrible

I feel terrible this morning. He is back from holidays. Why does that affect me? I dont know? How can I stop feeling terrible? Why do I have to feel terrible. Why do I feel terrible when he is back? What should I do? How can I stop this feeling? I hate it! : (

It was suppose to be a wonderful start to 2011 but now I dont feel it at all! : ( Why does he still effect me? I was going good while he was gone? Why cant he be gone for longer?

I don't understand why he effects me so much. Did I really like him that much. I didn't think I did but maybe I do. But he is gone and there is nothing I can do about it now. I can't stop myself from thinking about him so if I have to then I just do. If I have to cry then I just cry. I will be better soon. I just have to keep motivating myself to keep busy.

I hope he is currently going ok with his new gf. I know I can't give him the happiness he is after so I really hope she can give it to him. I really hope she will be really nice to him so he won't get hurt. I don't want to see him get hurt. I dont want to see him feeling so hurt like how I am feeling now. I hope he stays happy forever.

HNY

Just came back from the NYE party!!! Yeah 2010 is here!!! This year I'm going to make sure I'm going to stay happy!!! Yeah!!! :)

Better get to bed as more installed for tomorrow! And I'm still sick so need to get as much sleep as possible! : )