Better

Today I feel really good. Something must have happened these few days but I dont know what? But I dont feel I miss him anymore? So I suggested he can start chatting to me if he wants.

But what happened? Why do I feel this way? I dont know but I want to know and maintain it.

I'm really happy today. Like something that has been bugging me is not bugging me anymore. So its good in a way. But I want to know the reason but cant find an answer! : P

Anyway whatever it is, it is good! So will see if I can continue chatting to him like before and see how we go! : P

Happy

I feel happy today? I dont know why? Its like I feel internally I can feel he is happy (I hope) and somehow its triggered me to be happy too? I'm not sure if thats it but I have no other explanation! : )

Its a weird feeling today. Something I cannot explain. Hope this feelings lasts longer? Hope that means he is happy longer too? : P

Tears

In tears once again! I must have filled a whole lake at the rate I'm going! :'(

What can I do? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something missing here? It cant possibly take this long to forget someone! I've tried everything, but nothing is working. Time has done nothing. Do I have to stay in this state of pain forever???? : (

Choose

Today my parents found out one of my best friends boyfriend is not of the same race. They practically interrogated me. What is wrong with that? They are in love?

My parents are very old fashion. So I think they were actually trying to hint to me the same! But dont they want to see me happy? All these years I've been pressured to find someone of the same race. I've rejected so many dates just because they are not of the same race. This time I have even rejected the one who I really love. I do regret it. And I'm really feeling the pain now. So what did my parents achieve? They now have an unhappy daughter. Don't they see that what they are doing now, all their rules are making me so unhappy. So loney. So miserable.

Do I have to wait till they pass away till I can find someone I truley love?

My friend's parents currently refuse to see her boyfriend. Refuse to accept him into the family. Does it really have to get to this? So awkward being a family who can't accept everything their kids love? I can imagine how hard it is for my friend. I really don't want that to happen to me.

So what do a chose if I have to choose again? Love or family? Maybe I should think for myself next time and choose love. But then does that mean I will lose my family if I choose love?

Care

Just knowing that he still cares about me hurts. Knowing that he might still want to contact me but I've stopped him sound mean! Knowing that I also want to contact him but I'm stopping myself sounds ridiculous!

Why am I doing all these things? Is this really helping. I dont know. It hasn't helped me at all. Been sad all through it? Why? What can I do to help me be happy? I dont know?

A few more guys approached me on the weekend but again I shoed them off. I just didn't feel anything there, didn't feel any connection, didn't feel it was right, just didn't feel anything at all.

I feel like I am living each day as if I'm in cyber space. I really dont know what I am doing, feeling, saying. Just living because I have to live, eating because I have to eat and thats it..... : (