Better

Today I feel really good. Something must have happened these few days but I dont know what? But I dont feel I miss him anymore? So I suggested he can start chatting to me if he wants.

But what happened? Why do I feel this way? I dont know but I want to know and maintain it.

I'm really happy today. Like something that has been bugging me is not bugging me anymore. So its good in a way. But I want to know the reason but cant find an answer! : P

Anyway whatever it is, it is good! So will see if I can continue chatting to him like before and see how we go! : P

Happy

I feel happy today? I dont know why? Its like I feel internally I can feel he is happy (I hope) and somehow its triggered me to be happy too? I'm not sure if thats it but I have no other explanation! : )

Its a weird feeling today. Something I cannot explain. Hope this feelings lasts longer? Hope that means he is happy longer too? : P

Tears

In tears once again! I must have filled a whole lake at the rate I'm going! :'(

What can I do? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something missing here? It cant possibly take this long to forget someone! I've tried everything, but nothing is working. Time has done nothing. Do I have to stay in this state of pain forever???? : (

Choose

Today my parents found out one of my best friends boyfriend is not of the same race. They practically interrogated me. What is wrong with that? They are in love?

My parents are very old fashion. So I think they were actually trying to hint to me the same! But dont they want to see me happy? All these years I've been pressured to find someone of the same race. I've rejected so many dates just because they are not of the same race. This time I have even rejected the one who I really love. I do regret it. And I'm really feeling the pain now. So what did my parents achieve? They now have an unhappy daughter. Don't they see that what they are doing now, all their rules are making me so unhappy. So loney. So miserable.

Do I have to wait till they pass away till I can find someone I truley love?

My friend's parents currently refuse to see her boyfriend. Refuse to accept him into the family. Does it really have to get to this? So awkward being a family who can't accept everything their kids love? I can imagine how hard it is for my friend. I really don't want that to happen to me.

So what do a chose if I have to choose again? Love or family? Maybe I should think for myself next time and choose love. But then does that mean I will lose my family if I choose love?

Care

Just knowing that he still cares about me hurts. Knowing that he might still want to contact me but I've stopped him sound mean! Knowing that I also want to contact him but I'm stopping myself sounds ridiculous!

Why am I doing all these things? Is this really helping. I dont know. It hasn't helped me at all. Been sad all through it? Why? What can I do to help me be happy? I dont know?

A few more guys approached me on the weekend but again I shoed them off. I just didn't feel anything there, didn't feel any connection, didn't feel it was right, just didn't feel anything at all.

I feel like I am living each day as if I'm in cyber space. I really dont know what I am doing, feeling, saying. Just living because I have to live, eating because I have to eat and thats it..... : (

Friends

Been really busy last few days didn't have time to write a post!!

No crying last few days as no time! Sad but no crying.

Was thinking last few days: am I ready to see him again? Dont know if it's because of this long break that helps me try to not miss his as much. But was thinking am I now missing him or just missing him as a friend? Someone I can talk to, cheer me up when I need it or just someone to hang out with? Maybe I miss him as a friend? Can that be? Maybe I could try and just meetup as friends again and see if that will work? Don't know.

Depressing

Looking back at all my previous posts I was hoping that the posts would get happier and happier as time pasts? But it doesn't seem to be the case? The last post was not much different to the first few posts? How can that be? Its getting rather depressing! What can I do to fix this? I really have no idea?

It just seems the more posts I put up the more depressing I get? I'm suppose to be sharing my happy thoughts but they all seem to end up being sad posts?

I hope the next few will get better otherwise I might not post for a while.... just so that I dont see so many depressing thoughts pop up on this blog! : (

Still crying! :'(

An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.
-Harold Lokes

I'm still crying! : ( Oh well..... cant help it... just let it...... : (

more crying! : (

I suddenly feel like I want to burst out crying. I just want to quickly go home and just cry cry cry! But I'm still at work. Can't escape! Guess I'll just need to keep myself as busy as possible so it doesn't burst out till I get home! :'(

Why is this feeling still here? Why isn't it gone yet. How much longer do I have to suffer for! I can't cope with this anymore! I just cant! :(

Hurt?

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.
-Mother Teresa

Yeah so guess I'll just keep loving him till I dont feel I love him anymore? Keep hurting, keep crying! : P

Love again?

Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.
-unknown

Exactly what I am feeling. As I said before, the only way for me to not cry anymore is to find love again! Whenever that may be. In the time being just continue to cry till the time comes? : )

Tears

No man is worth your tears, and when you find the man who is, he'll never make you cry.
-Anonymous

This is a nice quote! Yes no man is worth my tears! I will try to not cry as much! I promise!

It's really funny! I have met a few guys this weekend, but funny enough there were none I liked. Am I too picky? I dont think so. I want to find the man who will never make me cry. Not any man just because they are a man!!!! That will be my next aim! I dont want to get hurt again! So I want to be more careful I guess?

Quotes

Today I thought I might start posting quotes I like? Or a quote that resembles what I am feeling right now. So here is today's quote: something I'm thinking right now!! :)

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, that's her...
-UNKNOWN

Read

I wonder if anyone is reading this. Well its a blog after all so guess someone will read it. Maybe just hope he never comes across this blog at all! I dont want him to know I'm sad/upset. Don't want him to feel bad. Dont want him to be concerned about me. Just hope he continues to be happy and not know what I'm feeling.

Today I did feel sad again and wanted to cry. Why? Oh well, will just have to let me be sad and let it gradually fade away. I hope it will be soon!

Memories

Was sorting my photos on my computer and came across some of our old photos that I had not had a chance to sort through yet. Sort of gave me memories again when I looked through them! : ( Oh well........

What can I do. Those memories are concrete. Can't be erased. So just have to live with those memories forever. Well at least all our memories were really really nice memories.  Dont have any bad memories at all! That I actually need to thank him for! : )

Progress

I met someone on the weekened while doing my usual things. I think he likes me but not sure? Not sure if I like him myself actually. But he seems like a really really nice guy. I will be seeing him again this weekend so I will keep you informed!

I'm really hopeless at these things. I'm never good at the signals they give out and I'm not good at returning the signals!!!! This time I will try. Any suggestions?

I think another friend is trying to introduce me to another guy this weekend as well. So will see how that ones goes too!

Well at least I am making progress! : )

Exercise

Wonder what he is doing this weekend? Ummmm.... Let me guess.... Going out to a nice place to listen to some jazz/music? Should be doing some bike riding sat or sun perhaps or just going to a friends place to catch up?

Don't know what I could write these few weeks as I've told him not to contact me so nothing to write about him really beside that I'm missing him. But I can't write that for every post these few weeks?

How about the next few weeks I'll try to get back to my life before him? Get back to my exercise routine?? Im going for a hike this sun. Then I'll try and go back to my swimming. Sort of neglected that a bit as lately I just want to stay at home and cry. But I'll try and make myself do other things! I will be ok (I hope!!) and very soon too!!!

Can't Concentrate

I've noticed I haven't been able to concentrate at work for a while now. My work is not getting done. I am double checking everything incase I make mistakes. I am just not motivated to work anymore. My mind is always thinking about him and its driving me crazy.

I was thinking back, why am I so upset this time round? It could be because we broke up when I was really really happy in the relationship. The timing of the breakup was at a time I least expected. If our love was dying off or we were starting to be unhappy then it wouldn't have hurt so much. But we broke up right when I started becoming very comfortable with him. Right when I was settling in. Right when I found I really fell in love with him.

I know there is nothing I can do now but to just live on without him. If I tell him what I am thinking, all he will feel is to feel sorry for me. Feel bad that he has hurt me. Feel bad that I am still feeling hurt. He will not do anything to help me. The only thing he can do is just to leave me alone.

I'm glad I have sort of blocked him off most things so I dont know what he is upto. Dont know where he is and what he is doing.

I will try and stay strong and move on.....

Silent love

Is it ok to just love someone knowing they will not return the love? I dont know? But I've decided that is what I will do.

I do still love him. Even though he does not love me anymore.  He cannot stop me from loving him. I wont tell him I still love him. I will just love him silently. If he needs me, I will be there for him. If he doesn't then I will just silently hope the best for him.

I sometimes do wonder 'does he ever miss me anymore?'. I assume the answer is no. He will only pity me. I dont want anyone to pity me.

But by continuing to love him will mean I will continue to feel hurt. I have tried to forget him but cant. I have tried to find ways to reduce my level of hurt but cant. So all I can do now is to continue to love and continue to be hurt. I dont know what other choice I have.

Leave me alone!

Now my previous ex is contacting me? Wanting to catch up as he is coming back home. I think I need a break from guys in general. Can both these guys just leave me alone! : (

Both of them has a gf now so can't they just leave me alone! I really cant be bothered seeing any of them!