Can't sleep

It's 2am and I'm still wide awake? Can't sleep!! HELP!!

So ironic that this blog is titled my journey to happiness but seems like it's leading to my journey of unhappiness! :(

Been crying all night for no reason. Now I feel like I want to vomit for no reason. I feel like my mind is just so not right at the moment and is just going crazy about nothing.

I'm getting really scared. What is going on with me? I've never felt this bad ever in my life. I dont know what to do anymore. Don't know where my life is leading me. I feel empty. I feel hurt. I feel alone. I feel lost.

So what should I do now? I don't know. But I do know I should try to fall asleep again otherwise tomorrow I will be really dead. I already feel really tired as it is and I know this lack of sleep will make it even worse. I won't be able to think properly. Won't be able to function properly. I will be like a walking zombie! :(

Small world

I thought the idea of internet dating is to meet people you DONT KNOW? How is it that out of 10 people they sent profiles of who they thought are a good match for me, I actually personally know 2 of them? And I have their contacts and phones numbers already? So should I be paying for this service when I can obtain the details myself??? I couldn't believe it when these people were recommended to me! Does this sound right to you?

Also due to the fact that I know these 2 people I know they are also not a match for me? So how can I be certain that the rest of the people on the list could be a match too?

Am I missing some logic to this whole thing?

Internet dating

OMG my friend's finally convinced me to try internet dating! Sounds freaky... I know everyone does it but I've NEVER done it!!!!! But to meet someone from the other side of a computer?? What happens if they are Weirdo's? or Crazy? I wouldn't know? Sounds very very scary to me! : (

But I'll give it a go? I'm trying to think of various things to help me and maybe this is what I need? A boost? An ego boost?

I've only joined but haven't paid ie can't contact anyone yet so I can still pull out I guess! : P

Fear

I have been trying to analyse myself the last few week and see what the cause might be. See what I can do to fix the problem. Today someone pointed out to me that is could be my fear of being 'alone'. Fear that my loved ones will sooner leave me. My friends cannot be with me 24/7. In the end I will be all alone, all by myself.

I believe that could be the case. But what can I do to fix that? I dont know!!! : (

Avoid

Last night yet again a lot was on my mind before I could go into deep sleep!! I will need to try and avoid this somehow.

I've noticed lately I've been trying to avoid a lot of things:
* avoid catching up with my couple friends
* avoid talking to couple friends
* avoid late nights out as I have a tendency to fall asleep early
* avoid seeing a doctor as I don't want them to confirm something to me that I don't want to hear
* avoid caffine and alchohol
* avoid crying too much
* avoid telling people I have a problem
* avoid facing a fact that I have a problem
* avoid thinking/hearing about anything that will make me unhappy
* avoid being alone

I think I now believe that the love of my life will never appear. He does not exist. I will be all on my own forever. I have been looking for half my life already. If he is out there I would have found him by now. Guess I have to just face this fact now and try and live life on my own.

I've noted every spare second I have in my life I have chosen to use it to sleep. Am I in denial about my life?

I am starting to get concerned about myself. I have never been like this ever in my life. I feel something is not right. But I've chosen to want to ignore it.

Worried

I have been trying very hard lately to try and sleep earlier, to relax a bit more about life. Limit my caffine and alcohol consumption. And just try and see if there is any improvement. My answer is no. I still feel the same tiredness. Should I try this a bit longer??

I've noticed I've cancelled a few get togethers just because I feel too tired to go out. I'd rather just stay at home and just sleep. But when I sleep so many things pop into my mind when im trying to fall asleep that that is not helping either.

I found I have now got a few friends worried about me and I feel so bad. I think I'm ok and I don't want them to worry about me. Well I hope I am ok. Let's see how I go in a few weeks.

Apples

I'm still feeling a little lonely today. What can I do? I try to think of all the bright and beautiful things in life but once in a while it still doesn't work!

Someone sent this to me today, so sweet:

Girls are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling & getting hurt.
Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing.
That is why we just have to be a little patient & the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday...

So hurry up little boy? Where are you hiding???

Friends

Had a good chat with a friend today. Made me cry. Not what she said but I felt how fortunate I really am to have such great friends! Knowing that they are really there for me and care for me so much just made me cry. They are friends I know that are irreplaceable. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to meet these friends. I mean what more can I ask for?

I've learnt today that as each day passes it means one less day that we have left to live on this planet. We should live each day as if its the last day and really have no regrets! You never know what will happen to you tomorrow! Each day is a new experience, each day we learn something new. We should just enjoy each day and make the most of what we already have around us and treasure it!

Fireworks

There was a festival on on the weekend and huge fireworks at the end. It was just so beautiful! The sky just lit up with the spectular fireworks display!

See so many beautiful and spectacular things in life to see and do! So I should just focus on the happy and wonderful things in life and treasure every moment of it!

Next day went to a buffet with friends. I've never seen so many desserts dangling infront of me. So many choices, so little room in my stomach! So we decided to sample them all together and we still had so much left! Oh food glorious food. We should be so grateful we actually have a choice on food and all so yummy too compared to many that are not as fortunate as us!

Yesterday went for a day hike along the coast. Again such sensational coastal scenery. So breathtaking, the air was so freah and clear! And my favourite sound: the waves crashing into the rocks. I could stand there for a whole day just staring and listening. The most peacful and tranquil sound ever! : )

Inspiring

A friend just sent me a very inspiring video. About living life to the fullest. It made me start thinking yes I am tired. Yes I am sad. But that's part of life. Part of my learning curve so be it. If I'm sleepy I'll sleep. If I'm sad I'll cry.

I shouldn't keep writing posts that mentions I'm sad or sleepy. It's a fact I can't change. So just let it be.

Instead I should start becoming more aware of this world. See all the positive things in life that I do already have that I have taken for granted. Great family. Fantastic friends. Stable job. What more do I want (well a nice husband would be nice).

So instead I might post little positive/happy things I've noticed while living my life. Be more aware of how fortunate I really am. I'm going to view life again like a 3 year old where I will start experiencing this world again for the first time with a brand new perspective to life and just be amazed at how wonderful life can be!!

So as a start I actually went to my first footy finals game in a corporate box last night!! Thanks to my fantastic friend who offered me to join her! Friends are the best!! There was no catering but to be in a stadium in your own private box was a whole new experience for me. Life is full of so many new and interesting experiences so why waste my life away thinking of useless things??!

Embrace what we naturally have around us and just enjoy life and live life to the fullest!!!:)

Sleep or be sad?

Lately I've been staying at home a lot (so opposite to what I normally do). I feel so tired so staying at home on weekends and sleeping early on week nights helps. But I've realized the more I stay at home on my own the more lonely I feel hence the more sad I feel.

So it's a trade off now. Do I stay at home to fix my tiredness and be sad? Or do I go out and keep myself busy so I don't feel sad but will feel really tired??

Such a hard call!!!!

This weekend I've chosen to stay at home and just sleep and cry. I'll see where that gets me. If it doesn't fix my tiredness then I will need to reassess my situation!!!

Sleepy

I'm trying to allocate more of my time to sleeping now. I'm still very tired but that is the best I can do. Hopefully I will feel better soon!

I dont feel as sad as before so that is a good thing. Think I was so worried that it got me more sad so I dont really want to think about it now.

Just hope my conditional gradually gets better! Fingers crossed!

Hypersomnia

I found what I have is hypersommia. Sort of like opposite to insomnia? I keep sleeping and I wake up as if I haven't slept at all! I sleep over 10 hrs per day on a week night. And try to sleep like 12 hrs a day or more on weekends and it's still not enough!! I'm so sleepy its dangerous for me to drive longer than 15 min as I will doze off at the wheel. I can't chat to friends longer either as I lose concentration and then end up not really listening!!!

This is one of the symptoms of depression. And I'm also crying a lot too. So adding all this up sounds like depression to me.

A few of my friends have suggested I see a specialist but I want to see how I go in the next few weeks and see if the condition improves. I'm going to sleep at 9pm every night if I can and wake up at 8am and try and keep a consistent sleeping pattern.

I am very worried. I hope I am ok. I won't know what to do if I'm not.

What next?

I have been reading up on the symptoms of depression and it seems most likely I have it. I re read all my old posts ontop of being so tired and it looks so obvious now. Can't believe it. I was always a happy bubbly girl. Was wondering where the happy girl was. She's gone! She's now just a sad lonely girl instead.

Was it because of him that got me to this? Or maybe he just brought out what was deep inside me already.

Well what should I do now? I have approached a few really good friends to keep an eye on me. To help me. But the only thing that can help me is to fix it myself gradually. I'm going to keep sleeping more to hopefully fix my tiredness. I'm going to make myself keep doing my normal exercise routine to keep me healthy. Keep going out so I don't stay at home and cry. And just observe myself more and be good to myself and keep myself happy.

I will get over this! :)

Depression

Last few days I realized maybe it's not him I'm missing? Maybe I am over him?

Today a friend pointed out maybe I have depression. I said no way but I went on the web to search the topic and found I actually have a few of the symptons mentioned. Maybe that is the reason I'm crying? Maybe that is the reason I'm so sad? Well now that I know early I'm going to do more research and see if that's what's wrong and hopefully fix it.

My eyes are now all puffy from crying! But what am I crying for? Guess that's what I need to find out!