Sick

Sick on new years eve! :(

Will stay in bed all day. Hoping to get better asap so can party tonight with my friends. Will go out no matter what state I'm in : )

Thinking of him today. When your sick you hope for someone you love to take care of you! But I don't have this special person right now. So all I could think was all the happy and special moments we had together. Everyday was memoriable. Everyday was special. Everyday was magical. The feeling was just so unique with him. The feeling I have never felt with anyone else before. So comfortable and so right. Will I be able to find someone else with the same stong connection again? I really hope so. I will never forget the time we spent together. The sweet memories will stay with me forever.

Sunny

Another nice sunny day! : ) Went fruit picking with a bunch of friends. Had so much fun! I'm liking my holidays!!! Wish it was longer! : )

I've noticed no contact with him is so nice! No wondering if I will bump into them. No need to wonder when he will contact me (cos he won't). That feeling is so much more relaxed!!! So free! So nice!! So I've decided I will definitely suggest to him no contact for a while. Will be good for me!! : )

Contact

I'm feeling fine today. Went out with friends to do some exercise then yum cha. Then went to a friend's place to celebrate her bday. Weather was really nice. So was just a perfect day! :)

Im really considering when he comes back from holidays to suggest if he can not contact me for a while. It's been nice that I haven't heard from him. I don't mind hearing from him, I don't mind seeing him but I guess I don't want to hear what they are doing together especially if they are doing things that he normally does with me.

I don't know how he can still talk to me without implying what they are doing together. So maybe not hearing all together is the best option. I will miss hearing from him but guess I better do what's best for me. My only concern is once I suggest this we might not talk again like before. Do I want to risk this? I guess if we are meant to chat we will chat again in the future. If he doesn't need me anymore and doesn't feel a need to chat to me anymore then we won't. Guess that's a risk I have to take.

Death

The 2nd death this month!!!! : ( Another coming within next few days??? 3 deaths in one month is really hard to handle. When I heard the news of the 2nd death I just collapsed. Crawled into bed and just cried.  Life is so fragile.  Loved ones dont love you anymore and disappear, friends and family members just leave you forever.  Anymore bad news to come? I hope not! This is enough for me.

I hope in 2011 all I hear is good news. No more of this.... wont be able to handle anymore.

When you are sad all you want is your partner to just be there for you. Just lend you a shoulder. Just give you a hug. But I dont have that priviledge anymore. I only have myself and I cry on my own.

Miss

Today I have the miss him feeling : ( Guess if you spend the whole day with someone who is also single, it somehow brings out the 'we are both single' feeling. We saw a lot of sweet couples and yes that makes me miss the couple feeling.

There is nothing I can do about it. So I'll try not to feel the missing bit too much. But I guess its not easy to forget how nice it feels to have the sweet company.

Don't worry I will find my new sweet company soon!!! I know you are out there. Can you stop hiding and appear soon?? : )

Busy

Nice day today!!! :) I feel good!! Wonder why? Nothing has changed but I dont feel as sad?? Maybe because he is away? Maybe I should ask him to go away more often?? I'll see how I feel when he comes back and see if that is the reason!! : )

Or maybe it's because I've been so busy? No time to think about him besides when I'm resting. Guess it's a good sign. I have to try and keep it up! :)

Anyway off to enjoy another fun filled day!!! Yeah!

Fun

Another fun day! Did a bit of boxing day shopping. Caught up with friends from overseas, then went to a hotel where a friend was staying to relax in their spa/pool/steam room!!! Such a nice and relaxing day!!!!

Can't believe there were so many people at the sales!!! Like everything was free?? Only soaked up a bit of the boxing day sales atmosphere and left!! Tomorrow out with the girls for a proper shopping spree day!!! Yeah!!! : )

At the rate I'm going I don't think I will find time to clean my room these holidays. Don't know if that is a good or bad thing!! : )

Friends

Friends are the best!! Always there when you need them!!! Ended up having a fun day today. Full of laughter. Feel so much better!! :)

My friends have no idea what has happened but just by spending time with them made me forget so many things!!!!

Maybe this break without him being able to contact me for a while will be very beneficial to me!!! I've now lined up everyday with something!!! so I'm actually looking forward to these holidays now!!

My friends are the best!! Love you all!!!! : )

Replaced

I found the feeling of being replaced is more hurtful than being lonely!

Yes I can see he is trying his best not to mention about them and what they are doing but its not hard to guess. Knowing that they are doing what we had previously planned and hence the feeling of being replaced is very very hurtful.

I am beginning to consider whether I should tell him not to contact me at all for a while. That might actually be more helpful to me. I dont have a problem talking to him or seeing him. But I can feel I am not ready to see them together. Just knowing what they are doing together already hurts let alone physically seeing it. And I cant see how he can not talk about them. So many things are implied that if he is going somewhere, she will be there. So there is really no difference whether he tells me or not. I will sort of get the hint anyway.

I will give it a go a few more weeks. And if I cant handle it I will need to tell him I do not want to hear from him for a while.

Each time he writes to me I am totally fine. Its only when he mentioned her, then I break down in tears!

I dont know how long I can keep this up for. I'm trying to cope and move on but its not easy. But I will try my best!

Christmas

ummm sleeping in on Xmas day was a good idea at first, but then when your mind is blank nice memories start rushing through your brain!!!! What would I have been doing today instead if we were still together, so yes had to get the crying session over and done with again.....

House chores sounds like a good start. Room needs a new makeover maybe I need a new makeover too! So guess these holidays I can concentrate on cleaning my room? This has been neglected for a long long time....so what better timing to clean... when you have nothing to do for a week or two. Lets see if I will get any of it done? Might just sleep and do nothing all day instead. Yes wasting my time away sounds like a fun, sort of never really done that before? Anything is worth a try? And if I dont like it, then I will never try it again!!!

Anyway hope everyone has a great Christmas! Ho Ho Ho!

Shopping

Nothing to do on Xmas Eve? Best way to forget someone is to go shopping!!! Yeah for retail therapy!!!! But not good for the bank account!!! But I'm not crazy. I'm not the type that goes crazy shopping!!! But it's still something that will put your mind off things.

I'm so glad I'm not the type that will keep eating if I am sad. But I realized I like doing exercise when I am sad. So at least that's a good thing. The shopping centre would be full today so would be hard to find parking so I actually walked to the shopping centre!!!! And knowing I couldn't buy much I thought I can walk back too!!! So that worked out well!

Will try to swim more when the pool opens again. Too bad can't go hiking as he will be too busy to go with me or maybe still doesn't want to see me yet. And no one else free to hike with me. So guess won't be able to do that for a while!!!

Anyway hope everyone had a great Xmas Eve!!

Die

Today I woke up and the thought of dieing came across me. Woke up crying. Seems like the daily ritual. And thought why do I have to go through all this pain? Just die and the pain will be gone!

I know that's a silly thought but it does sound tempting. Don't need to cry day in day out. Don't need to hide day in day out. Seems like the easy way out.

Don't worry. I won't do something silly like that. There is so much more to life that I do want to keep living. Some people might have the perfect life but that's boring. I have learnt to be stronger. Maybe just put me in a coma for a few months? That might be an easier solution!!! But guess I'll wake up feeling the same as today so that won't work.

I woke up thinking he is having so much fun. No pain at all. Total opposite to what I am feeling. He is so lucky. I wish I was happy like him too. I wish I could go out and enjoy Xmas and New Year. But I know I won't enjoy it this year. Will be a very miserable holiday.

How long do I have to be tortured like this for? Seems so long already and it's only the beginning. It will be a while before I will want to go out again. An even longer while till I am ready to go and meet someone again. Guess I better drink more water otherwise I'll dehydrate myself with all this crying.

Home

I realised why I want to just stay at home and just hide in my room. I do not want to go out and see happy couples. The sight of them will remind me that I am alone. I want to be like them but I can't.

It reminds me of the happy times we once had and now he is having those same happy times with someone else. And that hurts.

His gf is actually a really nice girl. I really would like to get to know her. Have chats with her and actually see them happily together in person. I want what's best for him and I want to see him happy. So why is it that I have to avoid her? This is so stupid. I want to be able to meet her and get to know her like a normal friend and witness how happy and sweet they are. But I can't. It will just hurt me more. This is just so ridiculous!!! Why can't I see my friend be happy. Why do I have to hide?? I don't want to hide but that is my only choice. I want to hear about all the happy things they are doing together. But instead I have to get him to not talk about her. It feels hard on him. As I can feel he wants to share all his happy times with me but he can't. Seeing him happy will actually get me sad. This is so ironic. So unfair. But I guess that's life.

Can't think of any task today. It's the start of my holidays. And guess it's the start of my do nothing few weeks. So guess I'll just sleep. Nothing else to do! Oh well.....

Stop

Today's word: stop

I just want to stop crying!!! :(

It has been a terrible journey. Not like I have not been on this type of journey before. But each time it's the same. It doesn't get easier! People say time will heal all wounds? I say time has done nothing for me. I still feel the same level of hurt! The only way I will stop crying is if I can find someone that will make me happy. Until then I guess this crying journey will just continue!! :(

I'm glad I started this blog. I promised myself I will never tell him how hurt I am anymore. He is happy now and I want him to stay happy and not hear any of my unhappy stories. So if I ever have to urge to want to share my unhappiness with him I will share it here instead. Sometimes I feel will he feel my unhappiness when he emails me? I really dont want him to feel bad at all. I want him to just enjoy his new found happy life and not have to worry about me. I'm concerned I'm in his way. If he doesn't hear from me then I wont be able to pass on any of my unhappiness to him.

So should I just stop contacting him. Should I just let him enjoy his happy journey? He doesn't need me anymore. He will sooner or later totally forget about me and not contact me. I can see that happening soon. So I might as well just keep all my unhappy thoughts within myself and just let him go. Let him stay in his happy state? I don't know.

Relax

Today's word: Relax

Why Relax?

I usually go away or plan things with friends during the holidays but this year I had planned to spend it all with someone special. It was suppose to be the happiest holidays for me but now its the most miserable holidays ever! : (

I previously was really looking forward to the warmer weather as there were so many things and places we had planned to go away to do. But now they will never happen. Now I have nothing to look forward to doing anymore.

I mean I still have time to plan something but it is just not the same. I'm really not in the mood to want to go out and enjoy myself. I'd rather just go home and continue crying in bed! This really is not the way to go about it but its too hard to force yourself to pretend you are having a great time with friends when in fact you'd rather be at home crying? This is a sad fact but true fact.

So today I decided maybe I should try for the first time accept the fact that I will be doing nothing these holidays and just do nothing for once? Just relax. If I want to stay in bed and cry all through the holidays then do that? Or I could just stay in bed and sleep through the holidays too? Maybe it will be enjoyable? Who knows?

So todays task I guess is "accept that you are not doing anything these holidays and actually do nothing and relax"

Failure

Today's word: Failure

I am still refreshing my emails (but less frequently) and I found there are now more events I cant attend as he will be there too! : (

Why is it that I am the one that has to sacrifice not going to the events? Why cant he sacrifice for me and let me attend for once? But do I really want to attend? I am actually forcing myself to go? Forcing myself to find someone to go with? Forcing myself to interact with this person and not knowing if I really want to see this person?  At least with him, he wants to attend and has someone he wants to bring along that he wants to spend time with. Maybe its a better option if he goes? At least he will get more enjoyment out of it! : (

Today I have been crying. Crying that why did he get the easy way out of this breakup. He gets to enjoy having a new gf, enjoy life, be happy and enjoy attending all the events I use to take him to. I get to be unhappy, sad, lonely and cant attend my own events?

So what can my task be today? Maybe to stop complaining about life and just live it. Complaining will only make me more unhappy : )

Avoidance

Today's word: Avoidance!

There is an event tomorrow I was going to attend with my friends but he might also be there with his new gf so I have decided to avoid the event altogether. Should I be doing that? Am I ready to see them together? Should I protect myself incase I feel hurt? Or am I just being silly???

I mean why do I have to be the one not turning up? Why do I have to be the one sacrificing not to attend? Do I have to keep doing this? Maybe he is not going and I am deliberately not attending for no reason?

I was going to say today's task: "Do not need to avoid him anymore" But I don't want to commit to that right now just incase I do feel hurt when I see them together. So better not risk it just yet!! : ) So instead today's amended task is: "Do not do anything that has any chance of hurting my feelings. How ever big or small it may be!!!" :)

My First Post

umm... where should I start? Maybe start each post with a single word that I am feeling today? So today's word is 'bored'.

Guess I'm so use to someone writing to me everyday and now that that is not happening anymore I feel something is missing. It's like you keep clicking the refresh button every few seconds hoping to hear from him and when you finally do get an email you feel dissapointed because it is only spam/advertising or your friends.

I am trying to find a way to stop myself from pressing the refresh button all the time! ummm maybe each post I also have to write something I have to try and stop myself from doing and see if I succeed. So todays tasks is to not press the refresh button anymore! : P

I'm not sure if anyone will be reading this blog. But if you do by fate come across my posts please do leave a comment of encouragement. Or maybe suggestions on how to help me be the happy princess I once was before I met him.

Have to sign off now.... till next time! : )