Holidays

I'm on holidays now. At this 5 star resort! Having a fantastic time. Just pampering. The pool is just so beautiful!!! Stayed there most of the time during my stay! The spa, steam room!! Ohh it's just a bliss here!!!

First day here was just so enjoyable. But today I wish he was here with me. It's just SO romantic here. Would have been nice to be able to cuddle him here! :(

So many couples and families here. Makes me miss him more when I see all these happy couples!!!! :( I hate this feeling. I'm on holidays and I should be enjoying myself. But today I feel sad instead. The thought of him is now ruining my holiday! Not fair! :'(

still sad

Dont know what I am feeling today. Guess I miss him? And I realised everytime he contacts me I will miss him for a bit after that. So guess my 2nd request for him to not contact me is a wise decision. 

I dont know how I will feel the next month and a half without hearing from him. I will truely miss it and keep wanting to know what he is doing in his life. If he is happy or sad. But I guess this is the trade off.

I still feel sad. I just want him to give me a big big hug. Want to be able to cry in his arms. Maybe just want to see him in person. Cant believe its been two months since I last saw him. He does seem very distant now. I can vaguely remember how he looks like without looking back at old pictures to remind myself.

How long will this drag on for? I hope not long.

Why?

Being able to chat to him and know how he is going is such a nice feeling. It's something I really miss. But it's because I miss it that I dont think it's a good idea that we communicate. Yes I'll be happy when I hear from him. But it will just make me more upset that I can talk to him but not have him.

I've always wondered why does he still want to contact me? Does he miss me too? I assume not. Then what is it for him that he keeps in contact with me? I dont know.

He sounds happy and I'm really happy for him. I hope his current gf is exactly what he is after. That they can stay happy together forever.

Love

Talk about timing. He wrote to me again right after I posted my last post. This time I actually felt happy receiving it. But after a short happiness it mad me feel sad again. Made me miss him again. Just the fact that I felt happy receiving his email means I miss it.

I really enjoy his company. And now knowing for a fact that I won't have that company anymore really really hurts. As I now know I truly miss him, hence I must still love him so so much! :(

I guess love is a very weird thing. I can't have him anymore. Now I truly do feel I just want to see him happy. And I hope he is. I found I dont hate him anymore. I found I still love him and I dont think that feeling will ever change.

I have tried so hard these few month to not love him anymore but I just can't. So guess I can't stop myself from loving someone so I'll just continue. Continuing loving him one sided. Continue hoping the best of everything for him. Continue being there for him if he ever needs me.

I don't need him to return any love. I'll just continuing giving him my true love as that is what I feel. He doesn't need to know. Loving someone doesnt mean you have to own them.

I truly hope his current gf is being really nice to him. He sounds really happy and I hope he continues to be happy forever!

More crying

I'm crying crying crying again!!! So thought I'd write a post to try and divert my attention away from crying.

I feel terrible terrible terrible. I want to end this unhappiness but I don't know how. I've tried everything I can think of and nothing is working. Just nothing. I've run out of ideas so I'm just going to keep crying crying crying!!!!

Alone

I feel like a total wreck today. Yesterday went on a hike with a friend and she got lost. I was alone and didn't know what to do. I was really scared something might have happened to her. Strangers came to help me and took me to the police station. Later that day we found her.

I was so glad to see her. Didn't care what her reason was to have wondered off, as long as she is safe I dont care about anything else.

While I was waiting alone I felt so loney. I felt there is actually no one I could turn to. No one I could call to come and help me. I was all alone and helpless! Not just at the time but in general. My whole life now, I feel lonely and helpless.

I wanted to call him but I know I cant call him anymore. He will not come to help me. He doesnt have time for me anymore.

I am all alone!

Crying

Still thinking about him. And yes crying too. Can someone help me!!! Can someone tell me what I can do? I'm trying my best but can't seem to get him off my mind!!!

This is so unfair. It's not like I want to keep thinking about him. But he's always popping up in my mind. Can't seem to get rid of him!!!! What should I do?

Well all I can do is continue crying!!! :'(

Sad again

I feel terrible again! All his fault. Why did he contact me? I was happy on my own. Then he ruined it.... now back to square one! Yes crying again..... will this ever stop!!!! I hate it.... just want to get on with life!

So why am I sad? Maybe because I was trying to forget about him and now he appears again and our times together flash back? So I get the feeling of wanting him back. But he wont come back. So I'm sad.

Better

I feel better today. I think no reply helped. I'm not sure if he was wanting a reply and I'm not sure if it's rude if I don't reply. But guess it's for my own good!

Hopefully he does not write to me for a while. I need this break.

No Reply

I have decided not to reply. It was agreed to give me one month of silence. And he broke it. It's only half way. Now I've started crying again. All my prior effort down the drain.

Why did he contact me! Why couldn't he leave me alone. He shouldn't be thinking of me. He shouldn't need to write to me. He should share his thoughts with his gf. Not with me.

Now I feel terrible again. Crying all night. Back to square one. :'(

Contact

He just wrote to me. I thought the deal was he was not allowed to contact to me for a month? He broke it! : (

I was feeling down right before he wrote to me. Feeling the alone feeling and just wanting to hurry up and find someone.

Receiving his email was sort of a nice feeling. A feeling that he is actually still thinking about me enough to want to write to me? But that will just make it worse. He shouldn't be thinking about me and knowing he does actually makes it harder for me to move on.

I'm not sure if I should respond. I will decide tomorrow.

Hiding

I'm starting to feel the lonleness now. Missing the companionship. Just want to find someone. But not just anyone. I want to find the 'one'. Where are you hiding? Hurry and appear soon! : P

I've found I've been meeting heaps of singles guys now. They are everywhere. But just not the right one has appeared yet. But I will keep looking. I will hunt you down soon! : )

Forgot

Think the last few days I've totally forgotten about his existence. Only once in a while when I see a happy couple I would think of our happy times and yeah wish I still had someone. But other than that, think I forgot about him already. Forgot how he looks like, forgot how he sounds like, forgot how he smells like.

I think forgetting is good! : )

Normal

Don't feel anything today. Just been too busy getting back to my normal life. I've realized lately that my life before him was so full! I had so many activities. So many friends. Always busy!!! And I found because I use to want to see him more I actually put aside my normal life and rearranged it to see him more.

Now that I'm back to normal I feel I don't need him anymore. I can still enjoy life without him. Like how it use to be before I met him.

This is a good feeling. I'll try and keep it up!

Really?

I don't know what I feel today? Do I hate him? Not really! Do I miss him? Not really! Do I want to write to him? Not really! Do I want to call him? Not really!

Maybe I'm over him? Really?

Hate

Today I found I sort of dont have the miss him feeling anymore. And I think it's because I now hate him instead. Not sure if it's a good or bad thing. I've never hated anyone. I don't like hating anyone. But I now hate him!!

How can that be? What did he do?

Maybe that was his way of helping me? Deliberately make me hate him to forget him? He can't be that smart can he?

Bastard

I was really really happy for a while. He has now made me really angry. Angry of his actions. Angry that it took me a few wake up calls to realised how selfish a person he is.

Today I feel I don't want to keep this friend anymore. I use to want to keep hoping he is happy and stays happy. For the first time I want him to suffer. I don't hope that he will be happy anymore. He is a selfish bastard. And it's not worth me hoping the best for him anymore. I've always hoped for the best for all my ex's. He will be the first one I will really hate.

If he ever breaks up with his gf and comes to me wanting a friend to cheer him up I won't be there for him anymore. He's not here for me so why should I be there for him.

I have never really hated someone in my life. I just let them be. He is the first. And it's all due to his own wrong doing. Keep saying what he is doing is the best for both of us. It's only the best for him. He thinks he knows how best to handle these situations but he is wrong. What he is doing is the opposite to help. I've told him this re how he treats his ex's but he does not believe me. He thinks it's the girls that are crazy and unreasonable. They are reacting that way due to the way he treated them and now treating me.

Can't believe it has taken me so long to finally wake up that he is a prik. A real bastard. And I've concluded I don't want him as a friend anymore!

Friendship

I have actually been very happy lately. But today I actually got a bit angry at a few of his recent actions!!   Today I am starting to doubt the sincerity of our friendship. He may think what he is doing and his recent actions is the best for both of us but it's only the best for him.

When he needed me I was there for him. But when I need him in return he is no where. He keeps saying he is a true friend to me but I now dont feel it at anymore. I have many true friends and none of them would treat me like how he is treating me now.

So now I really doubt I want to make an effort to keep this friendship. He keeps saying he wants to keep this friendship but his current actions is actually putting me off. I feel if he does contact me after our break I might not bother with him anymore. If he wants to write to me he can but I don't feel I want to bother to reply to him anymore. I feel like its a waste of time. I'd rather do other things.

I'm starting to feel he is actually a very selfish person. I can't see him helping me anymore. He has done nothing to help me so what's the point to this friendship. It feels too one-sided effort from me and no return from him. That is not what friends are for.

Some friends tell me some guys are only here for a season. He must be my spring. Now that spring has past he has gone forever!

Happy

I have been feeling pretty HAPPY the last few days hence the lack of my posts. Because I have nothing angry to post! Yippi! =)

Nothing different has happened maybe the break is the best idea ever!

Currently enjoying getting my life back to how it use to be. Looking forward to planning more holidays and day trips!

It's a nice sunny day today so will make the most of it..... heaps of things to do today so better log off to fit it all in!

Till next time!

Chat

I woke up this morning and I found I have so many things I want to tell him and share with him.  There are  so many things I forgot to tell him during our last chat.  But I cant tell him anymore. It's too late. Its only been a few days and I already miss not being able to chat to him. Although its my decision and I didn't want to make that decision but I really need to. I really need to try and move on... but I cant. I'm trying hard but I cant.

Every morning I wake up I think of him. What is he doing today? Is he ok? Is he happy? I now wont know. And I might never know how he is anymore. We may never chat again like before. How come it has to end up like this? Why does it have to be so hard?

Thinking

First day back at work. Been sick for a few days and house bound. So I decided to walk to work and finally do some exercise and move for a change.

The weather is nice and all I am thinking was how nice it would be if I could finish work and just meet up with him and do something together. Anything really. But cant. And I fell sad. I want to say, lets see a movie, lets go to the beach. Just hang out like friends do. But I cant. If I see him alone I will miss him more. So I better just keep thinking and no action. He wont want to see me anyway. He will have plans already with his gf.

How can I stop thinking about him. I dont know how. I'll keep trying but nothing is helping me right now.

Call

I woke up this morning and the first thing I wanted to do was call him. I wanted to hear his voice again. A voice I now feel I haven't heard for so long. A voice I really miss. But I can't call him. I can't contact him. Will I cope with this no contact. I'm sure I will. But in what state I'm not sure.

I've tried so hard to stop myself from thinking about him but I can't. He keeps popping into my mind. Time has still done nothing. The feeling is still as strong as before. I feel like I just want to give him a big big hug. A wish that can now never come true anymore.

Yes the past holidays I have had so much fun. But I realised all that fun doesn't beat spending a day with him instead. Even a chat on the phone with him will feel more than a fun day out. I really do miss him. Time has told me I cant live without him. But he is gone. His heart is now with someone else.  I just have to learn to live without him.

This song came up and I think is so appropriate to me right now. This song is dedicated to you baby!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jckKmsCsmio

Done

What a conincidence. Right when I deleted his contacts this morning he tried to send me a chat message. I tried to reply but because I had deleted him I had to re-add him to respond! So funny!

Had a nice chat as usual. I really enjoy our chats. So comfortable, so free. Then I requested if he could not contact me for a while. And he said ok. I will really miss the chats. But guess I have to do it. He might not feel any different not writing to me. He might not miss me at all. But I know I will really miss it. Let me see how I go. After a month he might have forgotten about me. He might be use to not writing to me and will just continue not writing. We may never communicate again. :(

After our final chat I re-deleted him again! : )

Delete

I ended up crying all night and this morning. I was suppose to head to a party last night but I was really really sick. So I had to stay at home. Home alone is worse as more spare time to cry. Still stayed in bed today. Nothing to do. But I'd rather get better so I better be good and have lots of rest.

I ended up deleting his contacts from my address book. I burst into tears when I saw his name online? Why did I cry over that? So bizzare!!! Today I realised what it was. I was so use to whenever I saw his name online in a few seconds I get a message from him. But now I am ignored. He has other things he'd rather do. He has other people he'd rather contact. And I think that is what is hurting me.

I hope deletling his contacts would be good. I wont know when he is on or not and wont see his name popping up all the time. I'll need to see what other things I need to delete!!! I'd gradually find them. Whenever I cry I will try and find the source. And will think of something to fix it! I will be ok. Just takes time!

Terrible

I feel terrible this morning. He is back from holidays. Why does that affect me? I dont know? How can I stop feeling terrible? Why do I have to feel terrible. Why do I feel terrible when he is back? What should I do? How can I stop this feeling? I hate it! : (

It was suppose to be a wonderful start to 2011 but now I dont feel it at all! : ( Why does he still effect me? I was going good while he was gone? Why cant he be gone for longer?

I don't understand why he effects me so much. Did I really like him that much. I didn't think I did but maybe I do. But he is gone and there is nothing I can do about it now. I can't stop myself from thinking about him so if I have to then I just do. If I have to cry then I just cry. I will be better soon. I just have to keep motivating myself to keep busy.

I hope he is currently going ok with his new gf. I know I can't give him the happiness he is after so I really hope she can give it to him. I really hope she will be really nice to him so he won't get hurt. I don't want to see him get hurt. I dont want to see him feeling so hurt like how I am feeling now. I hope he stays happy forever.

HNY

Just came back from the NYE party!!! Yeah 2010 is here!!! This year I'm going to make sure I'm going to stay happy!!! Yeah!!! :)

Better get to bed as more installed for tomorrow! And I'm still sick so need to get as much sleep as possible! : )